


Somnolence.

by DiamondHeartbreaker



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Everybody Dies, Everybody Lives, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Rogue One, Rebelcaptain - Freeform, Rogue One Spoilers, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-16 22:39:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9292643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiamondHeartbreaker/pseuds/DiamondHeartbreaker
Summary: Jyn Erso and Cassian Andor were the only two rebels to survive the beaches of Scarif. But they only get so many chances to cheat death. And so many chances to be honest about how they feel.RebelCaptain. Hurt/Comfort.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For Mia. xo

“Take off in five minutes and counting,” came a garbled voice over the loudspeaker of the freighter. “Repeat, five minutes until launch.”

Jyn nodded to herself, leaning back against the cold steel wall of the ship. The chill of the metal was a welcome feeling to her skin amidst the build up of body heat that had already amassed within the craft. The light freighter had been packed to the brim with relief supplies for the rebel forces on Felucia, leaving minimal space for passengers. Twenty strong, Jyn and her fellow commandos both sat and stood shoulder to shoulder in the passenger area usually only meant to occupy eight.

Despite the heat, spirits were still high. Many of the crew were still reveling in their recent victory during the Battle of Yavin. The destruction of the Death Star had revitalized the spirit of the Rebellion and given a new wind to its many, weathered veterans. In addition, their enlistment numbers had tripled as dozens of eager and impassioned new recruits flocked to the Alliance, desperate to help. And, due to her begrudging appointment to Lieutenant, Jyn found herself in charge of many of them on a daily basis. So when she heard the call for a relief mission crew, she was more than ready to volunteer herself.

A high-pitched whistle pulled her attention to the entrance of the loading ramp. Standing in the threshold, looking tired as ever, was General Rieekan. He was bundled in the copious amounts of clothing required just to maintain body temperature on the ice planet of Hoth; a great contrast to their own more tropical outfitting. “Alright, listen up. There’s been a change to your mission prompt. Due to unforeseen events, we’ve been forced to remove Captain Namir as lead.”

A harrowing wave of silence washed over the group. Many of them exchanged looks with one another, the stigma of sudden roster changes bringing concerned whispers. One of the older men spoke up. “Excuse me, sir, but is he okay?”

Rieekan looked at him and shook his head solemnly. “No. I don’t think that man will ever be okay again. His wife is in labor with triplets.”

The soldiers burst into a quaint bit of laughter at the news. Even Jyn found herself joining in on the positivity with a smile. It was easy to forget that not everyone in the Rebellion was as lacking in attachment as herself. For just a moment, she allowed her thoughts to drift to her own family, to their farm on Lah’mu, her mother and father smiling at her from across the dinner table.

The General continued. “As thus, we’ll be replacing him effective immediately,”. Rieekan motioned to the man climbing the ramp to stand beside him. “This is Captain Andor. He’s volunteered to be the new lead. He’ll be taking things from here.”

“Hello,” Cassian said, nodding to the crew, seeming a bit out of breath.

The group roared back a rather enthusiastic, but jumbled, response.

Cassian wore his usual brown Captain’s jacket atop a loose fitting, cotton shirt. On his hips sat an extensive gun holster that seemed more suitable for a ground battle than for a relief mission. He looked a bit on edge, but that was not an uncommon expression for him. As he took a quick scan of the crew, his gaze caught on Jyn, who sat a bit straighter in her seat, thoughts now far from her family. His eyes ignited with a flicker of excitement at seeing her that she was sure hers reflected back.

“Well, may the Force be with you,” the General announced, lightly slapping Cassian on the back before turning and descending down the platform into the ice cave.

Cassian’s eyes darted back to the crew as a whole, clearing his throat as the entry platform rescinded into the ship. “Thank you all for volunteering for this mission. These supplies are vital to the survival of our unit on Felucia and it’s more than likely that the Empire won’t make it easy for us to deliver them. Now get comfortable. Minimum ETA to Felucia is oh-two-hundred hours.”

Another announcement came over the ship coms. “Take off sequence initiating,” it garbled. The entranceway came to a complete close as the ship began to quiver beneath them, slowly beginning its hover off the ground.

Cassian vigilantly made his way through the crowd of soldiers on the ship to Jyn, who sat waiting. He slipped a hand around one of the steel bars above her, gripping tightly as their ship entered into the turbulence of takeoff.

“Fancy seeing you here,” she muttered, looking up at him with a smirk. “This isn’t your usual kind of gig.”

“I could say the same for you, Lieutenant Erso.”

She rolled her eyes and looked down at the small dot placard adhered to her vest. “Don’t get me started.”

Cassian shook his head at her, all too knowingly. “I told you they would not let you go without some kind of promotion.”

“You’re right,” she admitted, brushing a strand of dark hair from her eyes. “I should have listened to you. But I’ve never been too great at that.”

He gave a shallow chuckle, looking her over precipitously. “Hopefully this time you’re a bit more willing.”

“Anything’s better than hand-holding new recruits,” she muttered, crossing her arms and leaning back into her spot.

“Captain Andor, to the pilot’s station, please,” gargled the speaker. “Captain Andor to the pilot’s station.

Cassian tightened his lips. “Sounds like I’ve already got a fire to put out.”

Jyn shrugged and gave him a look that was lacking in empathy. “You volunteered for this, didn’t you?”

Cassian glared at her, and leaned in close. “Thanks for the reminder,” he whispered, before pushing off the banister and heading back into horde of men.

Jyn followed him with her eyes, watching as he so effortlessly weaved in and out of the crowd, disappearing further into the freighter. It put her at ease to know he was on the mission with her; to know that she would at least be taking commands from someone who understood her. If there was one thing she could say about Cassian, it was that the two of them were cut from the same cloth. Even if both would be reluctant to admit it. In anyway, he was the closest thing to a friend that Jyn had had in a long time. Or perhaps something just a bit different.

As the ship attained the steady hum of hyperspace travel, Jyn nestled her head against the wall and closed her eyes. It was times like this that made her thankful for her adoptive father’s training. While he did not give her much of a childhood, Saw’s training had given her skills she thought must be more valuable. He had made her tough - made her a fighter. More than once, when she had complained about having to sleep in the dirt Saw had told her, ‘If you don’t sleep, you don’t survive’. And she had seen evidence of it first hand in the sloppy and lethargic movements of her fellow insurgents. Most never lived to experience sleep again. So that’s what Jyn did. She slept. Until she was awoken by sirens.

....

There were screams as her eyes burst open, daunting red lights flashing around her. People were climbing over one another, struggling just trying to get to their feet. Jyn instinctively clung to the metal bar above her, working to understand the commotion that was unfolding in the cabin. “What’s happening?” She asked to no one in particular.

“An Imperial blockade!” Screamed back the same older rebel from earlier. The ship took a hit to the hull, sending almost every other passenger flying backwards. Those who had not braced themselves now laid in an incomprehensible heap of unconscious bodies on the floor.

Jyn took the chance to scan the shuddering passenger hold, carefully looking at every face in the pile. Though she wished she could say that she was checking on the well-being of her colleagues, she was truly searching for the visage of Cassian Andor. She came up short, she thought maybe, to her relief. Even so, the reprieve was temporary. The feeling was soon replaced with an ominous weight imbedded into the pit of her stomach. As it took root within her, Jyn had the feeling that her only remedy would be to find him.

Then she remembered - the pilots station. Her eyes darted to the main passageway. Taking a deep breath, Jyn began to climb out of her seat. Decisive about her next choice, she pressed her feet against the wall and gripped the bar above her, staring ahead at the corridor Cassian had disappeared down. Before she could analyze any further, the ship took another hit to the hull, sending them into headlong dive. Jyn knew she would find no better opportunity, and leaped forward, launching herself towards the hallway. She fell into the wall beside it, her fingers finding their way around it’s sharp corner as she begins to slip downwards. Her grip was just enough to save her from an uncontrollable fall down the now vertical hallway. But not for long. She scanned the drop below her, estimating the safety of a deadfall. The main door at the end had to be the entrance to the cockpit and her best bet of finding Cassian. The ship suddenly took another hit, very nearly righting itself and displacing Jyn’s grip. Before she could analyze any further, she was tumbling down the passageway.

She hit the doorway with a foot-first thud, the pressure mechanism giving way underneath her body. She made an attempt to stand, but instead found herself stumbling forward, her limbs weak from her violent cascade.

The cockpit had an open view of their situation. Outside of the small freighter was a collection of Imperial ships, each actively swarming around them and firing as they descended down towards the green orb that was Felucia. Flames had begun to lick the glass display port, while proximity sirens alerted them all of their rapid approach. But she had been right about one thing; he was there.

“Cassian,” she muttered, her voice barely breaching the sound barrier of the surrounding mayhem.

But still, he turned to Jyn, the depressions of his face quivering in the flashes of light around them. He stood peacefully astute in what could only be described as chaos. He was at least physically aware of the situation, maintaining a white knuckled grip on the side of the ship. But the look of despondency in his eyes was one that she had seen before. It was all she needed to see to know their fate.

Carefully, Jyn pushed herself from the ground and over to him. As the pilots shouted and alarms sounded and fire built on the glass, they stood in their own centrifuge of tranquility. They had been here before. Jyn wondered if this was it; if they were to finally receive exactly what they were due after Scarif. She looped one hand into Cassian’s as the flames in her peripheral vision grew. He squeezed her hand tightly in his own and she could feel his mutual resignation. Maybe that was the urge she had felt; the urge to right what had been so unmistakably lost on them. They had survived long enough, she thought. Long enough to see the results of their mission all those weeks ago come to fruition. And now she and Cassian would meet the same fate as the rest of their friends. Together. He mouthed something to her but she could not hear. His imploring brown eyes were the last thing she saw before everything went black.

…

First there was a ringing; a fractal high pitched sound resonating in her ears. A sudden push of an overwhelming brightness began behind her eyelids. It shoved her back into a conscious state, forcing her to greet a permeating throbbing throughout her body. Jyn took in a desperate gasp for air, her lungs burning as she did so, creating a sputtering cough that only put her into greater pain. Her eyes struggled to focus. The only thing that registered in her blurry vision was a billowing tower of smoke and the bits of the oddly teal plant life around her.

It took a few moments for the ringing to dissipate, giving way to continued sounds of panic; of explosions fire and scraping metal. She tried to prop herself up somehow, to get a better vantage of her surroundings. But her body lacked the energy. The absolute exhaustion that plagued her body was incomparable to anything she had previously experienced. Jyn was forced to lay there, helplessly, and she almost thought that it was a fate worse than death. She gritted her teeth, as a sharp palpitation of agony shot through her legs; an immobilizing cramping that gave her a renewed fear. While she could feel her fingers twitching and her hips spasm and her back twist, she could not feel much in her legs except for a cutting and jagged pain.

“Jyn!” The guttural and desperate cry of her name sent her heart beating rapidly. She desperately wanted to move, to signal her position, but could not rally the energy to do so. Thankfully, the rapid footfalls sounded as if they were approaching.

Then Cassian was there. His face was covered in soot and dirt, a fresh gash beneath one of his eyes. His shirt was torn and bloody, though, as per usual, it looked like most of it was not his own. Overall, he seemed okay, and Jyn was thankful for that.

“-ian,” was all she was able to mutter as he bent down over to her.

“You’re alive,” Cassian breathed, examining her contorted body. His eyes flittered with both elation and apprehension. “Can you move?”

Her eyes stared backed at him, murky with withheld fear. “N-no.” Jyn’s voice struggled to escape from her lips.

Cassian frowned, gently taking one of her hands into his. “Save you strength. Focus on your breathing. Squeeze my hand once for yes, twice for no, understand?”

Jyn lightly clenched her hand around his.

“Good. Is anything numb?”

She took a moment to embrace the stinging in her body. The cramping through her legs, the aching in her arms, the scorching in her lungs. She squeezed his hand twice.

“That’s a good sign. Does anything feel cold? Or wet?”

Jyn thought for a moment, suddenly coming to notice a dampness under her back. She clasped his hand twice in rhythm.

“Okay,” Cassian released her hand and began to cautiously examine her body.

Even his slight displacements sent pain shooting up her sides. She clenched her jaw and tried to focus on her breathing, but the darkness was eating at the edges of her eyesight as the pain continued to increase. She heard the shadow of a cuss escape from Cassian’s lips as he looked under her shoulder. Then he was back, holding her hand once again.

“Alright,” he breathed, disheartened. “Jyn, both your legs are broken. There’s a puncture wound by your back left shoulder blade. The rest of your body is on it’s way to being severely bruised.” The flash of panic in her eyes made his stomach churn. But he continued. “I have to move you… it’s not going to be pleasant. But we can’t stay here. Do you understand?”

Jyn laid still for a moment, fearful of whether she could endure even more. But she trusted the urgency in Cassian’s eyes and squeezed his hand.

Cassian nodded and pushed the rifle strapped across his body to his back, along with his satchel. As carefully as he could, he slid his arms underneath of her, leveraging himself on one knee, before looking down at her. “On the count of three.”

She stared up at Cassian, hoping to find the odd comfort in his eyes that she usually did. But he looked exhausted. Abysmal, even.

“One…”

Jyn wrenched her eyes shut and tried to think of something else. Anything else. Tried to put herself anywhere else in the galaxy than where she was in that very moment. Home. Coruscant. Lah’mu. Even the beaches of Scarif.

“Two…”

Eyes still clenched shut, she managed the strength to grasp a handful of fabric on Cassian’s sleeve, suddenly desperate for something to hold onto. Desperate for the luxury of comfort.

“Three.”

Jyn screamed. Or she tried to. Rather than anything audible being released, her mouth just opened in a raring release of air, making her break out into another coughing fit. Her body felt as if it was being pulled apart at its seams, everything so weak that it would take no more than a slight tug to rip her into pieces. Tears sprung involuntarily into her eyes, blurring her vision once more as they spilled down her face. The dampness on her back suddenly turned into a chilling coolness as she started to feel the drips of liquid leaving her body; the blood flowing down her back. Jyn thought she might vomit.

Quite quickly, the call to sleep came again. Jyn knew she ought to have fought it more. And perhaps if she was still on the ground, terrified and alone, she would have. But being in Cassian’s arms, no matter how great her pain, was different. She kept running into these moments with him. As if he was her own personal grim reaper, but always too compassionate to harvest her life. Maybe it was not compassion. Maybe it was something else entirely. Whatever it was, it gave her a sense of safety. Of acceptance. So Jyn let her eyes fall shut and her consciousness disappear. She did not fear death in Cassian’s arms because she had faced it there already.

* * *

 

Cassian had never been one to form attachments or strive to develop friendships. He found them distracting to his work, more likely to become liabilities than tools. In fact, the closest thing he ever had to a friend was his droid, K-2SO, that he had reprogramed of his own accord. Though Cassian did not dislike people in general, he simply found relationship building to be a daunting amount of work for no guarantee of accountability or benefit. There was an addicting simplicity and efficiency in going things alone. He fed off of it. But that was before he had met Jyn Erso.

He did not like her when they first met. She was reckless, rough, and stubborn with a distinct lack of interest in the cause he had devoted his life to. But as Operation Fracture, progressed, Jyn revealed herself to be more than just some brooding, rebellious girl. She was a skilled fighter in multiple modes of combat, boasted the intelligence and determination akin to that of high ranking officers, and showed herself to be truly passionate where it really mattered. As people say – she grew on him, to the point where he would be able to add her onto his rather singular list of friends.

And that was why his current predicament was so odd to him. Cassian was no stranger to leaving men behind; to cutting the fat when he had to. It was one of his strong suits – even if it always took a toll. He would do whatever was necessary for the mission; for the Rebellion. Today, however, he had done the opposite. Cassian had been more than lucky to wake up barely scathed by the crash, able-bodied and capable of carrying on what was left of the mission. But he had not. Instead his resumed consciousness could only focus on Jyn. Cassian had never before found himself so complacent with forgoing both the mission prompt and his own general safety for another human being. It made him even more uncomfortable to admit that he would do so only for her. Jyn was his friend, he told himself. Though even that did not feel like a holistic explanation. Nonetheless, as Cassian sat watching over her unconscious form, the threat of the Empire looming, he felt at peace with his decision.

The two currently inhabited a small cave tucked into one of Felucia’s dramatic mountainsides. The entrance was well obscured by the planet’s unique plant life – a collection of massive teal lipped flowers and towering domes of luminescent fungi. Cassian had found it by accident as he stumbled along with Jyn in his arms, just looking for somewhere to rest after almost an hour of trudging along. It was the best they could hope for in terms of shelter, some of the planet’s bioluminescent ivy lighting the cave in a dull teal light. Thanks to the electronic disturbances caused by the unique flora, the Empire would have a rather difficult time finding them using any kind of life form tracking. However, the same disturbances would also make it hard for the Rebels to detect his distress signal from more than a short distance. A double edged sword.

Cassian had done the best he could to care for Jyn’s wounds and provide her with some kind of comfort. He had bandaged the puncture on her back, splintered her legs, and slipped some medi-vital pills into her during a quick moment of consciousness when they first arrived. He had even found a massive petal from one of the flowers on the ground, newly shed and perfect size for her to lay on. But everything he had done - they were all crude forms of care. If Jyn was to survive she would need real medical attention. And that was just another item, if not the most pressing, on their list of problems.

A sputtering cough unexpectedly erupted from Jyn’s nearly lifeless form, immediately pulling his attention back to her. Cassian reached for the flask of water that he had laid beside her, only to find her hand suddenly on his arm. He looked down to see her rasping, eyes pressed shut. “Cassian,” she muttered, in between spastic breaths.

“I’m here, Jyn,” he told her, grasping her hand.

Jyn’s coughing consumed her for a few moments, but eventually subsided. She was left quivering and staring up at him wide-eyed in the wake.

Cassian pushed a hand under her head, tilting it up so that he could bring the bottle to her lips. He fed her a few careful sips before gently letting her back down.

“Thank you,” she mumbled to him, though he could tell she hated it.

He nodded at her. “I patched the wounds I was able to, and did what I could with the rest.”

“My… my legs,” she mumbled attempting to prop herself up on her elbows, her body shaking.

Cassian looked at her disapprovingly, reaching out a hand to the back of her neck. “You need to rest. Try to do anything more than that and you’ll make it worse.”

She met his eyes with an equally resolute stare before allowing him to lay her back down, though he was sure it was more due to the pain than docility.

“What… happened?”

He heaved a sigh and shook his head. “Imperial forces. They must have known we were coming. There was a blockade where there wasn’t supposed to be and we were easy pickings. Easier than we were supposed to be, at least. Ship impacted on the end of the cargo hold. Took most of the crew and the supplies with it.”

Her green eyes glimmered with a genuine sadness in which he shared. Another mission with too many lives needlessly swept away by the Empire. It felt scarily normal to him after so long with the Rebellion. Cassian could only remind himself of how easily he might have been among those casualties.

“Were there any - any other survivors?”

“I don’t know,” he replied, turning away from her. “There wasn’t much time to check. I had to find you before imperial troops came looking for any.”

“How… did you know I lived?”

“I didn’t,” he replied, rather bluntly. “But I had hope.”

A smile crept onto Jyn’s pale lips, pulling at the small cut nestled in the corner of her mouth. The uneasiness from earlier resurfaced within Cassian as she stared into him with her striking eyes, giving way to a palpitation in his chest. Cassian swallowed hard and stood hastily, crossing to his bag behind Jyn to fish out more pills. “Now that you’re awake, your body is going to burn through the medicine I gave you. I don’t have much left but you’ll be in the worst of it right now.” He dished the pills into her open palm.

She consumed them, seeming to a bit abler and more energetic, if not oddly detached.

“So,” she began, clearing her throat, though she could not muster much more than a hoarse whisper. “What’s your plan?”

Cassian shrugged and leaned against the cavern wall. “With how violent the crash was; I doubt the Empire will be expelling too many resources on finding survivors, but even so, I’ve sent out a distress signal to the Rebellion. I’m not confident they’ll receive it. We’re on our own.”

“What about… the mission?” Jyn mumbled, swollen eyes finding his.

Cassian could not help but stare down at her, dumb founded. “The mission?” He heard himself spit back the words.

She gave the semblance of a nod. “The rebel unit,” she mumbled. “They… need those supplies. “

“Jyn,” he kneeled back to her side, brow furrowed. “This isn’t about the mission anymore. This is about survival. We’re stranded on this planet with no means of escape. There’s nothing more we can do.”

There was a pause as he tended to one of the wounds on her arm.

"There’s nothing more I can do,” she corrected him, in her frail timbre. “You could still help them, Cassian.”

“And what, leave you here like this? You need medical attention. Real medical attention. If I leave you here like this… you’ll die.” He shook his head, grabbing a rag to pat at particularly wet bandage over an incision on Jyn’s arm. Her pale skin was pulsating with an unhealthy bluish tone. She laid still under his touch, almost as lifeless as the petal beneath her.

“I… I think I might die anyways.”

Jyn’s delicate voice resonated through the air, suffocating Cassian. His eyes darted to her own, but she was looking past him, eyes glazed over with an unsettling complacency. “Jyn,” he whispered with enough severity to send a chill down his own spine.

“I… I keep narrowly missing these windows,” she muttered, still looking past him. “I don’t understand why, I… I don’t deserve to be… to miss them. There are others… so much better me. With deeper lives. Families and connections and passions. And yet I keep living. While so many of them, the others… are dead. I don’t deserve this… I don’t… want this.”

Cassian opened his mouth but could not find anything to say.

“You feel it too… don’t you? To some extent.” Her gaze found its way back into his eyes, almost hostilely so. As though what she said was more of a statement than a question.

“You’ve had a long day, Jyn,” he said, dismissing her. “Your body is exhausted. You’re just getting delirious.”

“Since Scarif, you haven’t stopped. Or barely stopped…. That’s,” she paused to emit a sputtering cough. “That’s how you ended up here… isn’t it?”

He looked away from her, moving to stand, but a weak grasp on his hand pulled him back down. Pulled him back to face her truth. She was right. He had not stopped since they had gotten back. But how could he be expected to? For the first time in his life he had been given a mission that he could not just peacefully tuck away. A mission that did not allow him to just put away the memory in the data banks of his mind. A mission he could not forget.

The destruction. The death. He could still smell the burning dust of the newly obliterated Jedha city and the rain burning the corners of his mouth on Eadu. He could hear the desperate final cries of their allies as they were incinerated by the Death Star’s sullen green rays. He could still see them dying from the windows of the stolen Imperial craft that he and Jyn had been so clumsily pulled into at the last second. That they had been an afterthought on. He almost wished they would have been forgotten, with the rest of them. Left to die. Left to die alongside Bodhi and Chirrut and Baze and K2. But here they both sat, alive. Alive, but suffering all the more for it.

Of course she was right. If Cassian had stopped, he would have to think about it all over again. Whether he wanted to or not, his thoughts would drift to Scarif. To their mission and their deceased colleagues. In the end, they had been successful; saved so many lives at the cost of so few of their own. But never before had he lost so many personal allies. People who could have been his friends. So Cassian did not stop. For weeks he had been going from mission to mission – his only reprise the occasional meal or a few hours of sleep or a visit to Jyn. Idleness had turned into his enemy. He had just gotten back from a mission to Tatooine, intelligence gathering on the Hutts, when the desperate plea for Captain Namir’s replacement had been uttered. He was almost happy to be on such a big mission, if not simply for the distraction that others would provide from his own thoughts. But that had not turned out as intended either.

“I don’t know what else to do,” he murmured. Not as an excuse or explanation, but as a mantra. “I just have to keep going.”

“I know. And you can. But I think… I don’t know.” Her eyes wandered back towards her wounded body wrapped in makeshift bandages and compresses. “I think this might be it for me.”

He shook his head. “No, Jyn. You’re going to be fine. We’re going to get you help.”

What Cassian thought must be the weakest laugh he had ever heard came scratching out of Jyn’s lips. “Cassian, you said - we’re stranded. I can barely move. My legs… broken. It’s a miracle… I’ve even survived this long.”

He pulled his hand away from her, suddenly all too upset at what she was implying. At the thought of watching her die and being the last one left behind. He would not lose Jyn too. He could not. Cassian tried to push it from his contemplations, to tell himself that it was impossible- that he would find a way to save her, to keep her alive. But something in the back of his mind, a small nagging pest of a thought, said otherwise. And Jyn was making it hard for him to ignore it.

“I’m going out to survey the area,” he asserted, crossing past her to his small, scorched satchel. He threw it over his back with a violent swing.

“Cassian,” she raised her raspy voice.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Cassian, please… please listen to me,” she begged.

His step caught and he wanted so badly to just continue onwards, to ignore her. But the lack of sleep, the stress, her condition - they were all getting to him. His emotions were bubbling out in the form of anger. “No, Jyn. I won’t,” he seethed, turning back to her. “I can’t even believe you think that you can somehow convince me to leave you out here to die. All alone? After everything? After you’ve survived so much? Absolutely not. So don’t ask again because I will never say yes to that.”

Jyn did not reply. She just stared up at Cassian with her broken face and cutting eyes. They had always held something so compelling to Cassian; so disarming. They were the eyes of someone who was fierce, wildly independent, and unyielding. A relentless fighter who would die before giving up her freedom. And that was exactly what it was. Jyn’s legs were broken and her body beaten – perhaps to an unrepairable extent. She had become helpless. And she would rather die than remain that way.

Cassian’s mouth twitched. He was on the edge of saying something that he desperately wanted to, that he needed to. But he could not gather the nerve nor the softness so quickly after his fiery outburst. He had to tell her – sooner rather than later, he knew. But in that moment, something more physical was rising instead. He took in her glance for one more second before turning on his heel and leaving the cavern.

Cassian emerged into what must have been the night time of Felucia; the semblance of a somber darkness floating over neon plant life. As soon as he was out of earshot of Jyn, he let out the sob that had caught in his throat; an ugly and desperate gasp. He punched the mountain side at full force, bringing a stinging blood to his knuckles. Another sob racked his body. His suppressed emotions had come to a head within him – his constantly suppressed emotions. About the mission, about Scarif, about Jyn.

He heaved a sigh. Jyn Erso. The idea of losing her made him want to scream. Scarif had changed them; bonded them in a way that Cassian had not been ready for. Yet it was something he so unknowingly needed. Since then, their conversations in the passageways, their quick meals in the mess hall, or their impertinent glances they exchanged across meeting rooms – they were all comforts to him. Jyn was the fresh air in the relentless drag that had become his life after Scarif. Or perhaps that was always how his life had been. Jyn had so subtly become what kept him going. And, if he was being honest with himself, seeing her name on the roster was the entire reason he had taken the mission in the first place.

Cassian took in a deep breath, trying to release all the convoluted thoughts and feelings from his mind. He reminded himself that he needed to focus. Crying over Jyn would do him no good now; he needed to think to save her. But Cassian had nearly run every kind scenario through this head while she was still unconscious. And that simply added to the hopeless thoughts haunting the recesses of his mind.

He scanned the area, foremost looking for threats. But there were no industrialized vehicles sneaking through the mesa, nor did he come across the white sheen of Stormtrooper helmets beneath the planet’s many bright moons. Cassian instead found himself just staring out at the bioluminescent forest before him that was both beautiful and terrifying all at once. He looked towards the direction of the wreckage, no longer able to see any sign of it. The smoking had ceased and though he could still hear the occasional muted explosion, he had to wonder if it was just shell shocked ringing in his ears.

His data pad scans had indicated a town half a day’s walk from their cave, however, he was sure the vibrant jungle would only elongate it insensibly. The round trip would probably take him two days. And, even then, there was no guarantee that they would have anything to help them off planet. Or even anything to help Jyn. Cassian knew that he was kidding himself by even entertaining the idea. Jyn’s condition was bad. Bad enough that she would be lucky to make it through the night. His stomach churned and another sob climbed up his throat.

Jyn Erso was the only person, Cassian would go above and beyond for. That he would crawl hand and knee through mud, rain, or snow for. But this was the one time when there was nothing he could do. There was no exit strategy, no back up plan, no way for Cassian to improvise. Not with the amount of time Jyn had. So Cassian pushed through the toxic mixture of resignations and hopes in his mind to find the small bit of clarity he needed. He would do everything and anything he could for her. They no longer had the luxury of rigid boundaries to uphold or egos to protect. It was just himself and Jyn till the end of the line. If Cassian could not save her life, he would do his best to preserve her spirit.

* * *

 

It must have been at least an hour until Cassian returned, or so Jyn thought. The agony had made it hard to focus, turning seconds into minutes with each painful breath. For all she knew, it might have been a mere five minutes. Though she was awake, her cognizance had begun to slowly fade; the pain and blood loss taking their toil on her mind. Coupled with the intoxicating medicine and pulsating teal lights of the cave, Jyn was surprised she was as competent as she was.

Cassian looked like an angel to her as he reentered the cave, holding a small gathering of items in his arms. The soft light cast shadows on the hollows of his face, revealing him to be more tired than he would ever let on verbally. It was obvious that he needed sleep, or at least some rest. Otherwise, Jyn thought his body might give out before her own. She was relieved to see him. And it seemed he felt the same about her – or, at the very least, he was happy that she was still alive. His eyes twinkled with contented respite as they met gaze.

“Cassian,” she muttered, though it was barely audible.

“I found some things which I think might be edible,” he told Jyn, moving to kneel beside her.

“Might?” She asked, managing a weak smile, as he set down the collection of items above her head.

He let out a friendly chuckle. “Yeah, might keep us from starving. Might kill us. A dinner roulette, if you will.”

Her expression relaxed as he got comfortable beside her, emptying his pack. She turned her head to the side - happy to watch as he prepared both of their little meals, entertaining and intricate with his motions. Every so often their eyes would meet and he would gift her with the smallest of smiles before continuing on. It almost reminded her of their quiet luncheons on back on the base. There had been more than one occasion in which she or Cassian would sit across from the other in the dining hall to eat and remain completely silent the whole time: occasionally they would share bemused looks or faint smiles in regards to whatever was going on around them, but that was it. She knew many might have considered such meals to be awkward but she had always found them to be a nice comfort on their more exhausting days. And though she was in pain, and not entirely wanting of food, Jyn thought this might have been her favorite.

She had not expected him or even wanted Cassian to apologize, yet Jyn got the sense that he was. Or perhaps he was just trying to make the most of whatever time she had left. Either way, she had never seen such a level of intimacy in Cassian’s actions. She had never liked being cared for – something that she knew was a byproduct of her upbringing. She had been trained to think that help of any kind, that a need of such close assistance, was a weakness. And while a large part of her still felt that way, she thought that Cassian was maybe the only person she would make an exception for.

After they had finished eating, Cassian had taken to leaning against his satchel beside her. Jyn still laid flat on her back, but with her eyes locked up on him as they conversed, Cassian so patient with her every struggled response. At one point, he had asked for her arm, under the pretense of examining the bruising that had developed. But almost an hour later, it had never made it back to her side. Jyn’s open palm still sat atop Cassian’s own as he gently rubbed circles into it with his thumb; such a small gesture that was so calming to her. It reminded her that sometimes it was nice to be touched by someone you cared about – by someone who cared about you. But he had begun to slow here and there, only to suddenly jolt back into action after several moments of stillness. She could tell he was trying to stay awake. Jyn wondered if it was so that he did not miss her final moments. It was morbid, but plausible, she had to admit to herself. She had long begun to feel herself waning as she laid there beside him, though she had no idea how long it would be.

“Cassian,” she murmured, to the man beside her in a shallow sleep.

His tired brown eyes flickered open, looking alert as ever. “Are you alright?” He asked, straightening himself a bit.

Jyn gave the slightest of nods. “You… you should sleep.”

Cassian shook his head. “It’s not safe, I need to keep watch.”

But Jyn saw right through it, as she had learned to do with Cassian. If the Empire had not found them by now, it was doubtful that they were still looking. Their biggest threat was probably that of a wild rancor wandering into the cave and she did not feel too concerned. Though given her state, she probably should have been. “You’re no good if you’re exhausted,” she breathed.

“I’m fine,” Cassian insisted, the circles under his eyes saying otherwise.

Jyn pursed her lips. She would have to take a different route to get him to sleep. Even if she had to use herself as the means. “Cassian, just… lie down. With me.”

He blinked at her, his mouth agape for a moment. “Jyn…”

“Please,” she whispered and carefully turned over her hand in his, interlocking their fingers. She looked at him with the eyes of a pleading woman; a woman who would never get the chance again. She did it not only for his sake, but her own, she realized. Jyn thought she would be quite displeased with herself if she passed up an opportunity to sleep with her rebel spy, Captain Cassian Jeron Andor. Though it would be a rather untraditional way to check the item off her list, she knew.

It had not been the first night where she had longed for Cassian beside her. There had been many nights where she had very almost wandered to his quarters seeking out his comfort and warmth if nothing more – especially since they had moved the rebel base to Hoth. And though they had never reproached the subject in person, there was an underlying understanding between them. Cassian and Jyn were simply both too stubborn to speak of it. But as eternal sleep pulled closer for Jyn, she would very willingly admit that if she had ever come to care for one person in her singular, hustle of a life, it was Cassian Andor. Sometimes she even bemused herself with thoughts of them living a normal, boring life together with a home and simple jobs. They were whimsical, frivolous thoughts she knew would never come to pass. But that was what made them fun.

Cassian slipped his hand from Jyn’s, moving to brush several strands of hair from her eyes. “Okay,” he muttered. Slowly, he slid down next to Jyn, using the satchel as a pillow and settling on his side. His head was slightly above her own – enough so that he could still watch over her.

She let another smile flourish on her lips as she studied him in the low light as she thanked the Force for this last gift. She memorized his wanting eyes and the way his skin crinkled around them into lines shooting outwards. She memorized his dark, disheveled hair and the beard that pulled down over his chin and covered the edges of his face in the most befitting way. Cassian was truly beautiful. And while she was sure she looked awful in her current state, marked with the blood and trauma of the day, the way Cassian looked at her made Jyn feel anything but. Cassian was the only man who made her feel more beautiful than she cared to be.

Jyn extended a shaking hand back towards him. Cassian stared back at her with a knowing look, before taking it into his own. Ever so gradually, he pulled the battered hand to his lips and graced it with a kiss, his scruff tickling her skin. It made Jyn want to cry. Now, so suddenly, all she could want was more. More life with him. She wanted to learn what it was like to spend endless days by his side arguing and kissing and talking and doing everything she had been so deprived of by her militaristic life. She wanted to know what it would have been like to love him; to love Cassian Andor as she thought she almost did, already. And, what broke her heart most, was that she could have. She had been given the opportunity to do just that and wasted it. She and Cassian had come out of Scarif alive. Alive and no longer in any kind of debt to the Rebellion. They had done enough. Yet, they had both thrown themselves full force back into the work. Perhaps it was because it was all they knew. And if that was what Jyn’s life surmounted to, she would have to accept it. But such acceptance did nothing to stop the welling of tears in her eyes.

“Promise… me something,” she muttered to Cassian.

Though seconds before he had looked so extremely tired, a sudden vigilance seemed to pump through him, lighting up his eyes. He placed a hand across her waist, trying to funnel some of his heat into her diminishing body temperature. “Anything,” he muttered back.

“Get out.” She told him. Her solidarity was unwavering even as her voice trembled. “Go live. Do anything else… but this.”

He nodded, holding her hand even closer to his chest. “What would you have me do, Jyn Erso?”

There was a flittering in her heart when he spoke her name. She thought for a moment, trying to climb her way through her collapsing thoughts. “Moisture farming,” she mumbled. “It’s not bad. My… father used to…” Her sentence was interrupted by the violent rise of a cough, emptying her lungs and exhausting her all at once.

Cassian grabbed the flask of water from across her and brought it to her mouth, letting some of the liquid run down into her throat. It soothed her, if only for a moment.

"Okay. Moisture farming,” he agreed, once she was quiet. He took back to hugging her side, laying all the closer to her. “Where should I live?”

“Mon Calamari,” she replied flatly, for the sole purpose of trying to wedge one last pleasant look out of him.

Cassian stared down at her, bewildered for a second before the corners of his lips began to twitch upwards into a smile.

She had been successful.

“Sounds great,” he told her, with a lightness to his voice. “You’ll have to come and visit, I’m sure I’ll make it big there.”

“I’m sure… you will,” she told him, curling her head into the crook of his neck. His heat was nice on her skin, like the smallest inkling of safety to her broken body. She knew as she closed her eyes that she did not have much longer. “Cassian,” she muttered into his skin.

“Yes, Jyn?” He asked, voice barely above a whisper.

She felt him wrap his arms around her. The slight discomfort was more than worth it to provide him with something so long overdue. “We… we would have been… happy.”

He trembled around her, and she could feel her words almost destroy him. “I’m sorry,” he murmured into her hair, his voice shaking. “I’m sorry, Jyn. I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” she wanted to say, but the best she could do was push herself into him with her last bit of strength. As the darkness consumed her vision, Jyn was at peace. She surrendered over her consciousness at the blissful thought that she would finally sleep in Cassian’s arms.

* * *

 

Moments of tragedy had always found their way into Cassian’s mind as a grouping of actions, seared into his long-term memory for him to play over and over again. Mostly, such memories served only to provide him with self-criticism as a human being; forcing him to reflect on his actions and reactions until thoroughly satisfied with his debased disparagement of his own raw, emotional reaction. Most of all, it was a way to train himself to contain his emotions and remain nothing but sterile and detached in the field. So far it had worked.

But holding Jyn Erso’s lifeless body in his arms, stripped away any level of training and discipline he thought he had sowed. It dissolved into the visage of a man so petrifyingly upset that he was paralyzed and unable to do anything but hold her cold likeness in his arms as still as a statue. As if they were truly just trying to sleep. But maybe that was what the Force intended for him. Perhaps it was time that Captain Cassian Andor faced the true horror of human mortality with traumatized eyes rather than his usual icy and uncaring ones. What other reason could there be for finally giving him someone to love and then cruelly ripping her away from him. Cassian could not think of one. All he could do was allow the tears in his eyes to dislodge and slide peacefully down his face and into Jyn’s messy brunette hair.

_“I’m picking up some readings up ahead, behind that fungi patch.”_

_"The signal is coming strong from the east wall.”_

These were things that Cassian heard but did not process. Whether he had been found by the Empire or by the rebels, he did not care. Nothing mattered anymore.

_“In here, sir! I think we’ve found something.”_

A small group of individuals progressed into their cave, rifles readied. Cassian thought maybe he would be seeing Jyn sooner rather than later.

_“Are you Captain Andor? Are you alright?”_

_"He seems to be in shock, sir.”_

Suddenly, there were hands on him, trying to drag him upright, away from Jyn. But he was deadweight, unwilling to let her go. The group kneeled over them.

_"The girl, looks like one of ours.”_

_“Is she dead?”_

Yes. Jyn Erso was dead. He could not save her. He had lost the only person that had ever made him care.

_“Her vitals are weak sir, but I think she's still alive!”_

Cassian blinked.

_“Bynoe, get the shuttle over here! We’ve got to get her medical attention!”_

_“Captain Andor? Captain Andor?”_

And then Cassian was alert again. More awake than he had been in years. His heart was thumping in his chest, pushing blood and adrenaline every which way in his body. He was looking up at the men and women around him, wearing various and heavily weathered clothing – all with Alliance insignia. He had so many questions and time for none of them. Instead he settled on accepting that moment for whatever incorporeal miracle it was.

“You have to save her,” he implored them, separating himself from Jyn enough for one of the rebels to get closer with the medical scanner. Cassian’s eyes were that of a man with renewed faith in the world. “Please!”

“We have a transport coming now,” confirmed the woman who must have been the leader of the group. “Are you Captain Andor?”

He nodded vehemently, eyes still on Jyn.

“We followed your distress signal, though we didn’t think we’d find you alive. Your incursion with the blockade provided us with the much needed window to push out the Imperial forces while they were distracted. We’re on our way to taking back Felucia.”

While it was appreciated information, Cassian did not have the patience or focus to properly respond. He simply gave a nod and jumped to his feet, as two soldiers entered the cave with a stretcher.

“Careful!” He pleaded, as they slipped Jyn on top of the floating metal device, her body like that of a ragdoll. Cassian followed after them at an almost impossible pace as they removed her from the cave and headed back out into the Felucian night. He heard the thrusters of the shuttle before he saw it. The craft was not big enough to have a well fleshed out medical area, but Cassian hoped it would make up for that in speed.

“My scans are indicating that she’s lost a lot of blood,” the medical attendant told Cassian in an urgent voice, as they climbed onto the ship. “She’ll need a transfusion as soon as we land.”

“Where are we going?” Cassian demanded as the platform rescinded behind them.

“Echo Base,” he replied, still studying the readings. “They’ve cleared a path through hyperspace for medical frigates. We should get there in time.”

“Should?” Cassian reverberated much more angrily than he had expected it, grabbing the cadet on the shoulder. “Should isn’t good enough.”

“Sir, she needs a transfusion and we don’t have any available-“

“What’s her blood type?”

“B-positive,” the cadet read off his medpad, a bit shaken.

“Take mine, Cassian said rolling up his sleeve. “I’m o-positive, that’s compatible with her.”

“But sir, the amount needed to provide a life sustaining transfusion would more than certainly leave you unconscious and endanger your own life.”

“I’m not asking,” he seethed, eyeing the lowly rank of the medic.

He let out a frustrated sigh before racing to a cabinet behind Cassian to pull out a series of tubes. “Lay down please, Captain.”

Cassian obeyed taking to a flat row of seats beside Jyn’s floating stretcher, reaching his arm towards her. His fingers grazed her marble-like skin beside him and Cassian was actually praying. He had never really believed in the Force before Jedha. Before Chirrut’s clever words and Jyn’s necklace. But now he was asking the Force for one more miracle; for just one more ‘almost’.

The medic leaned over Cassian, quickly cleaning the puncture site before slipping the needle into his vein. “Captain Andor, I’m putting you in an induced state of sleep to preserve your brain activity before I draw the blood. Next time you wake up we’ll be at base.” The medic quickly detached on spindle from the syringe and replaced it with another, linking to the series of tubes that now connected himself and Jyn. “Beginning blood transfusion now.”

“Thank you,” Cassian heard himself murmur as he felt the looming weight of the medicine. Cassian knew that he had now done all he could. He stared at Jyn’s face until he could no longer keep his eyes open. Once again, put his faith in hope.

…

Cassian woke up in the Echo Base medbay like a bat out of hell. He was fine. His wounds from the crash had been medically sealed, his white blood cell count had escalated, his- there were a million other details the medical droid had tried to tell him, but Cassian had not had the patience to listen to any of them. As soon as his eyes had opened, his attention had snagged on the messy brown locks floating in the bacta tank at the end of the wing and refused to focus on anything else. As the droid tried to further discuss his prognosis, Cassian pushed himself off the cot, fighting through his sudden lightheadedness and shoving his way past more than a few additional med droids on his way over to the luminous tank.

She was there. Jyn was floating in the bacta unconscious and battered, but alive. Jyn was alive.

“Captain Andor, I think you may have been displaced from your-“

“How is she?” He asked, interrupting the droids heedless babble. “Jyn Erso, what’s her medical state?”

The medical droid took a moment to sputter electronically before responding. “Lieutenant Jyn Erso. Diagnosis: upper torso laceration, one broken rib, multiple sites of internal bleeding, body encompassing bruising, both femurs broken, and a shattered tibia. Medical Treatment Dispatched: blood transfusion, minor non-invasive surgery, and immediate bacta tank submersion. Prognosis: full recovery expected following thirty-six hours more of bacta treatment.”

“Full recovery,” Cassian murmured to himself, his hands dragging on the glass before him. Those were words he never expected to hear. Maybe the Force was with him, after all. Or it was, at the very least, with Jyn. He would not waste this gift.

In the next thirty-six hours, Cassian only left the medbay twice. The first time was for the required mission debrief. The second time was to submit his resignation.

 

_“We’ll be sad to lose you,” Princess Leia had told him, as they stood within the command center of the ice base. “But you’ve done more than your share for the Rebel Alliance. My offer still stands for a recognition ceremony.”_

_“Thank you, but… no thank you, your highness,” he replied, bowing slightly._

_She gave a shrug and shook her head. “I figured as much. Can I ask, Captain, what made you so suddenly firm in your departure?”_

_Cassian hesitated for a moment. “I… I’ve just found something else to fight for.”_

_And Leia smiled back at him like she understood._

 

The rest of his time was spent within a short radius of the bacta tank. He was there when they reduced her healing time by two hours. He was there when they removed her from the liquid. And he was there when she woke up.

The flickering of her eyelashes to once again reveal her brilliant green eyes was enough to finish him. It made him want to throw his arms around her and pick her up and take her away. But he sat still, at her bedside, settling for his grasp on her hand and the smile that had found its way onto his face.

Jyn’s lips parted slightly as she blinked rapidly, adjusting to their surroundings. She turned towards him, almost magnetically, their eyes locking in solidarity as they stared one another down. “Cassian,” she muttered, her voice infinitely more vibrant than the last time he had heard her speak.

“Lieutenant Erso,” he replied with jest, giving her a slight nod as he hungrily took in her living form.

A warm smile spread across her once-again-plump and rosy lips. “Fancy seeing you here, Captain.”

“We really have to stop meeting like this,” he breathed, reaching up to cup her face. She was warm. Cassian was so immensely grateful for that.

“I’d have to agree,” she replied. Jyn placed her own hand atop his and closed her eyes for just an instant, pressing his touch into her skin. “Maybe we should settle down.”

“I’ve heard moisture farming can be very rewarding.”

Jyn chuckled at him and brought his hand to her chest. “Maybe not on Mon Calamari though.”

Cassian laughed and pulled himself closer to her. “No, maybe not. But anywhere else you want to go.”

She almost laughed, but then caught the glint in his eyes. Jyn pursed her lips, intrigued by his sudden indulgence of truth. “Really?”

He nodded at her, eyes unwavering. “We’ve done enough, haven’t we, Jyn?”

Cassian watched as his honesty washed over expression, as it took seed in her mind. “We… would be bored,” she told him, but it was more of a warning than an argument.

“Maybe,” he admitted. “But at least we’d be together.”

A simple smile returned to Jyn’s face. “And we would be happy.”

“I think so,” Cassian whispered, his eyes tender as he looked upon her. “What do you say?”

She paused only for a moment. “I can’t think of a better next adventure.”

Then Cassian was over Jyn, pressing his lips into her own, feeling as though the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. Jyn was kissing him back with the passionate culmination of everything they had been too stubborn to speak and too shy to do for so long. Jyn’s lips tasted of bacta and his scruff was itchy against her skin, but it was the happiest either had been in a long time. And for both, it felt like home.

…


End file.
